Making the Chef

Foodies ... we love you, we hate you

As I start to develop some of the bitterness that comes with the territory, I notice things that didn't bother me before (or even occur to me before) strike me now. One of them is foodies. This is a bit of a rant, so forgive me for my back of the house language.

We love you, we hate you.

Why the love? That's obvious. Foodies are one of the main reasons that nice restaurants are in business. They provide a steady amount of income for people in the industry and they make our paychecks. And when you do something nice, they are people that are most likely to appreciate it.

Why the hate? Well, it's not the average foodie ... the average foodie goes out, appreciates the meal, pays and leaves. Or the knowledgeable foodie, the kind that knows what's going on in the back of the house, how a restaurant works, appreciates the meal, pays and leaves. It's other types of foodies. Shall we make a list?

1) The expert. This type of foodie is someone that thinks they know everything. Often they're out more to show off for their friends rather than actually eat. They are often condescending and they make server's lives hell ... which makes my life hell.

2) The esoteric. This foodie is looking for novel combinations for the sake of novelty. There's a reason that things like hollandaise have been around for hundreds of years. I'd like to make you eat a meal straight out of Larousse.

3) The trendie. They're at the restaurant because it's the hip thing, not because they know anything about the food. These people ride trends that are just ridiculous, make no sense, and are very image conscious. I'd like to sit one of these supermodel thin trendies in a French bistro and make them go through a cream-and-rendered-fat smorgusborg. If it tastes good, it tastes good. You don't need some stupid article to tell you what's good. Trust your palate and go and eat somewhere decidedly un-trendy ... you might be surprised.

4) The perpetual critic. This is someone who is constantly breaking down every little nuance of the food. I relate it to the kind of person who sips a wine where the land originally had an apricot plantation and claims to be able to taste a hint of apricots. Sure, I believe in goût de terroir (the flavor of the earth) but does the apricot flavor seriously fucking come from the soil and the manure fertilizer? If that was the case, why wouldn't people detect "the pleasant earthiness of cow shit?" Mmmmmmm. Shitty.

5) The chef-wanna-be. I really hate you. This is the foodie who is constantly substituting something on the tickets, putting "SEE ME" all over it. Unless you're allergic to it, just fucking try it. I've had people turn cobb salads into monstrous concotions, filled with thousand island dressing, shrimp and other ingredients instead of what you would normally find in a cobb. You want to make your own salad, go to a fucking salad bar. It says cobb salad on the menu. Eat the cobb, otherwise why the fuck did you come here? And don't bitch that salad bars are in crappy places. Best salad bar I've ever seen was at the decidedly upscale chain Fogo de Chao.

6) The Jet Setters. Someone whose idea of food comes from a magazine like Food and Wine or Bon Appetit. I recently picked up a copy of Bon Appetit that was sitting in our kitchen on one slow Sunday afternoon and was disgusted. It was basically a food porn/travel writing porn piece about the food of Italy. The authors were rhapsodizing about various cities, eating in little bistros, where the best places were to shop in the farmers markets. And to think that someone would plan a vacation about this, go, and then come back and wax eloquent in the same manner as the article. I would kill to be able to go to Italy, but I wouldn't be wasting my time eating at these places ... I'd be finding grandmothers all across the country to teach me how to cook. After all, teach a man to fish ...

7) The Food Porn photographers. With the advent of digital photography, many foodies have become amateur food porn stars ... some even have sites dedicated to them. I don't get it. There is something beautiful about a nice plate, but for god sakes, not everything is worthy of admiration and the slopping of vaseline on the lens.

8) Fussy celebrities (not foodies, but hey, I'm in a bitchy mood). I really hate you. The menu is there for a reason: to tell you what we fucking have. No we don't have grits. No we don't have raisin bread. No we don't have pork sausage. If we have it, honestly, most of the time, I'd be happy to accommodate (they're not asking for substitutions, just something new ... way less worse than subs to me). But I really wonder why they are asking in the first place? They are just really used to getting every whim of theirs catered to, and it makes me sick to see my friends, my co-workers bend over backwards to try and fulfill these requests (like, say run to every bakery in a mile radius to see if there is raisin bread). Sometimes I think the world would be a better place if someone just told a celebrity, "I'm sorry, but we don't have that. I really wish we could accommodate your request, but it's just not on the menu."

9) Groupies. These are people that are more interested in the celebrity of the chef rather than the food. The only thing that I hold in more contempt than these people are the chefs that encourage this practice. Remember Rocco di Spirito?

In reality, at the end of the day, I do love foodies. Hell, that's how I became roped into the business. I made a third space out of my favorite restaurant, hanging out there all of the time. In fact, when I look back on myself, I cringe. I must have been really annoying in some respects (asking the chef to whip up something on the fly, hanging out in back of the house -unobtrisively in a corner- during service , for example), but in the end, I think they liked me more than they hated me (I ended up taping Survivor for the staff). So I can look back and laugh.

And again, the average foodie, the one that just loves food and goes out to eat, pays, and leaves, maybe leaving a little comment or compliment, you're great. We love you.

And for the more difficult ones, if you have even the slightest sense at how my life can be a living hell during service, I'll cut you slack ... you know what it's like for me to be behind the line and you can understand that it's slammed and your dairy free item needs to be made special. But otherwise, let me end with one thing: at the end of the day, it's food. There's nothing inherently magical, sophisticated or any other (insert fru fru adjective here) about it. It's food. Eat it and be happy (but don't write about how it makes you happy ... go get drunk or something ... or find something else to write about).

posted by LindyChef @ 7:33 PM